Post #3 – The Fall Is Short But The Ground Is Hard

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I have considered myself in remission from major depressive disorder for a little over a year now. It took me a while to come to that determination and it wasn’t easily arrived at. I certainly didn’t want to declare myself “cured” when there was still much work to be done. And depression has a way of making you feel less than confident anyway so it took a good while before I was ready to even state that I was definitely getting better.

And then suddenly, I was getting worse. 

It’s hard to say what the catalyst was or how many events triggered the fall. But I had one. And there I was: prostrate in a muddy hole with my face in the dirt. I thought of driving my vehicle into an oncoming semi truck. I thought of dying to escape the pain much as I had done in the throes of my worst moments. I thought of how wrong I had been to think that I could have overcome this part of me. How stupid I had been to think I was winning over the darkness.

And then I had to stop and evaluate my hole in the ground. It wasn’t swallowing me up. It was like the shallow end of the pool. If I stood up, I wouldn’t drown. I could walk out. That wasn’t something that I was even capable of a few years ago. That, in and of itself, was a small triumph.

So I came to the sad conclusion that I’m still capable of those thoughts. Those dark and dastardly thoughts entwined me with my depression like a strand of DNA that cannot be unwound. That disappoints me. I had hoped that one day I’d be completely free of the darkness. But, I’ve made sense of it this way: I’m not cured and I probably won’t be. At least until I’m old and gray and accept that life wants me after all. Because once I get to that place, the holes that I might fall into will be mere dips in the landscape of my life. The ground is hard, but the fall is short. And, with work, getting shorter all the time.  

Post #1 – Who Are You?

I am I

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So, my husband asked if people still blog in 2020. Maybe they do, maybe not, but here I am so I guess I count. I’m the last one maybe? Maybe I’m the last one on the bloggy bandwagon, whilst others are far more advanced in their web presence. What can I say? I’m a late, LATE adopter. I mean, when I first heard Nirvana and Dr. Dre back in 1993 (’92?) I was like “Pfffft. Hate it.” But pretty soon I was jamming those cassettes (!) in my boyfriend’s ride non-stop. I didn’t have my own car yet.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed…and a bit scared. I’m trying to do this for all the right reasons. To have an outlet. A venting space. A place where maybe someone else could come and see what I’m about. In case they have the same issues, questions, problems. Whatever. I’m hoping this will give me a voice. Something I’ve been missing for a few years now. And perhaps, something that I contribute will help someone else. That is the hope.

So why do it this way?

  • I’d like to reach a wider audience than just myself? I have ideas, experiences, etc. that I’d like to share in case they might be found useful by someone else.
  • Because Facebook has its limitations. Though I belong to different pages and groups via that platform concerned with my topic, this is more personal and hopefully I will be able to focus it on the significant experiences that I think will help others.
  • The topics I hope to stick to are my life experiences with long-term Major Depressive Disorder as well as anxiety, my drug treatments and their outcomes. I’ve tried so many things and I want to share what has worked and what hasn’t.
  • My ultimate hope is that this medium provides an outlet for me and some information for someone else, be they far or near.